Note: Original post contained a Lupe Fiasco rant that has been omitted due to an argument betwixt my roommate and I. I have no problem with Mr. Fiasco.
The transformers should have been here by now. They have like one year (according to the movie) to set up, battle the decepticons and begin the descent into Optimus Prime's death. I fear that my belief of Transformers: The Movie as prophecy to be FALSE.
Now it is spreading. Now I believe everything is falling part-- a failure of sense.
This is blue: FALSE.
I am on a couch: FALSE.
NBA defenders will swallow JJ Redick and Adam Morrison: FALSE.
Lightning is the pain: FALSE.
Midlake is awesome: FALSE.
Now, I know these assertions are proven facts, but I find my mind falling into a pattern of fear. Exclusively fear. If the Transformers are NOT coming, should I be furthering my career? Should I be more goal oriented? Should I be looking to settle into the suburban right of passage my family presses me to?
If humanoid friends of the Autobots taught me one thing, it was perserverance. I imagine their struggle to survive in a world of energon, and I imagine mine: we are not completely dissimilar. I am worthy of the Transformers' affection. I am.
Therefore, to become a humanoid friend of the Optimus Prime regime, I have decided to make some large scale changes.
1) This blog is going to undergo severe maintenance. I mean, when it comes down to it, do I want the almighty Transgods to understand me as a fly by night cultural critic who often sneaks in wierd commentary about my own depressed nature? No sir. Not at all, sir.
2) I am going to read more. A well read humanoid is going to absolutely serve a better purpose-driven existence. It is decidedly so.
3) I am going to swear off mainstream rap-- slowly at first. Nice and easy. Take deep breaths. Obie Trice be damned.
4) I must drink less alcohol.
5) I will stop making so many lists.
6) I will be pious. Damn pious.
7) I will learn the metallurgic arts and create a definitive anti-rust method that should prolong the life of many of the elderbots-- a little known sect of older Transformers who will be coming to Earth to retire. They wear shorts. It's a thing they do.
There is more, but I will spare you. The falsities of your human world will cease, and I will stand triumphantly alongside my mechanical brethren. Repent now, sayeth Orson Wells as Unicron.