Feb 5, 2007

And so it ends...

Highlights from the Laughnldsfuotrufdbvfoinghipngrnodvsin funeral:

Paul Nair and Randy Newman sing the National Anthem. Theodore Wood joins on the "Workin' Overtime" part.

Throngs of beautiful nude women show their appreciation braving the below zero wind chills.

A rousing chant of "They're winning the footballs on the last play" takes over. The preacher, Darrell Green, is forced to abandon his message and begins showing that he could still cover any slot receiver in the league.

Jamaal Magloire exposes himself to Laughnldsfuotrufdbvfoinghipngrnodvsin's friends.

Richard Yates' daughter gives a rousing speech (accompanied by REM's Peter Buck).

Mos Def raps really well for the first time since Chapelle's Show went away.

Jawbreaker reunites and plays Ache... not a dry eye in the house.

Nuccas hollered and Tommy Lee Jones is rumored to have stolen the casket wearing cake over his right eye and nothing else.

Lately I've Been thinking, The Fish becomes first fish to cry-- vis satellite from the MOON. WHOA!

OMGTRU patrons pelt the casket with busted hotlinks.

Jim Jones, Rick Ross, Yung Joc, Young Dro, Mr. Dr. Dre, and others perform a new exclusive with a beat by Just Blaze entitled "Always Get That." It is deemed highly inappropriate and has nothing to do with Jarff.

Gary Shandling commits suicide in the middle of SPACE. WHOA!

Jarff's beard is donated to science.

Jarff's first post is read aloud by a mad scientist with little to no name.

Sleepy. So Sleepy.

Everyone wins.

Kason Gabbard finally reveals his location: inside a bottle of lotion in the West Indies preparing for the upcoming Pawtucket Red Sox season.

Thisisdepression announces the mufuckin afterparty's gonna be that blaze technology. Rick Sutcliffe agrees before beating his Tom Wolfe and bursting into tears. Q-Bert shows up high as a fuck (truck) and sticks two rappers. Ghostface rises from the bottom of the sea and defeats Mr. Bert in a jumping contest. All in attendance applaud.

Everyone gets free tacos.

The entire team shows up; an honor for all to see them together, really.

Young Leek ghostrides the whip straight into Hell. Press members quote him as saying, "It ain't worth livin' like this, maing."

A drunken P-Nast squads up the crew and smashes. Pepsi smash.

Yellowcard has CHOLERA. Couldn't make it, but send their love.

The entire attendance re-enacts the games Oregon Trail and Operation:Wolf.

The Transformers finally show up. Damn.

MAYES (maize?) declares Jarff a ridiculous bastard and says he's glad Jarff's gone. Many agree.

Shirley Maclaine evaporates and condenses into the lining of the coffin to surround Jarff as he departs. She will be missed!

JArff's voice is said to scream "It is FINISHED." Reports vary on whether or not he says this or "OMG we are were where the keys?!"

Jarff's body is taken away on a spraypainted warship. The misty bog makes it impossible for anyone to see the crew, but they are capable of taking him to his final resting place; the ultimate destination and the end of all pain forever: Iowa By Ocean.

People from around the league agree: insigniaticcancer was the place to play.

Man, this was a stupid blog. Goodbye forever.


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