Aug 5, 2007

Insurmountable Odds Week Comes to a Grinding Halt (or, How I Had to Get My Old Job Back)

There is, ever so often, a marriage of mistakes so brutal that it makes a man design his failure before it actually happens. This was one of those weeks.So, to cheer myself up, here's a list of my dream jobs, in no order.

Writer of nonsensical diatribes for a litany of respected not-too-hip journals and projects-- If only I could pay bills with words. Alas, I can't, and I'm the least talented genius I know.

NBA Role Player-- Preferably with this incarnation with the Boston Celtics. What I wouldn't give to run next to Ray-Ray on the wing and set a brutal pick For Kev. Oh, to be there when Paul slashes to the basket to kick it out for me on the wing so that I, hard defending, uber worker that I am, can make the extra pass for an open bucket. My season's line? 9 ppg, 6 reb., 0.9 assissts and a 0.5 blocks in 18-25 minutes a night. Totally worth it for a mil a year. I'd do it.

Cat Farm President-- Nair, why can't this happen? I mean, Jesus Living Christbird. We need this.

Professor of Theodore Drieser related material-- I can do that, right? With no diploma but a wealth of knowledge? To wit, "Oh, blessed are the children of endeavor in this, that they try and are hopeful. And blessed are they who, knowing, smile and approve. (Sister Carrie, Chapter XVII).

Town Crier-- Simpsons reference.

Professional Drunk Dialer-- I swear, I could make you feel like the happiest person on Earth. Let me drunk dial you. You will fall in love, lust and decide to simultaneously engage, marry and divorce me. Real talk. Gun talk. Just give me the chance.

Cussin' Specialist-- Dicktits? Damn, I'm good.

Professional Listener-- And I will listen. I will be a good listener to you if that's what you want and you know, you know. I won't judge you. I can do that sometimes, I know, but I won't. I can listen to you and you shouldn't be scared of scaring me off or anything that you might think I'll think or on and on and just say it and I'll listen to you.

Cat Pillow Maker-- Just seems right. Dogs are my favorite-- don't get it twisted-- and, to be sure, "puppy pillows" sounds cuter and cooler, but for my money, you can't fuck with a nice cat pillow. If I could sew one for you? Oh, if it t'were, t'would be... twerrific.

Babbler Onner about nothing-- Man, I can talk. I can DO that shit. That shit, I can DO. Sitting down or standing, I can do that, at least. At least, that I can do. Y'know? Oh brother, that I can DO.

Taco Eater-- Those things are DELICIOUS, man.

(Note: How did I not know that Crispin Glover once played Bartleby? Shitbird. Can someone come rent this with me somehow?)


Oops Pow Surprise said...

I'm not sure Crispin Glover has ever stopped playing Bartleby.

Business or Leisure? said...

Fine point. In addition. I'll credit him with being the Christ-like Billy Budd as well. I've got that kind of time today.