Nov 4, 2007

Send Me Money


So, in effort to motivate myself to write more (less for the blog, but more for my own personal goals), I am drafting a few titles for my first book. I've also included excerpts from each, for your personal enjoyment.


Pirates, Ninjas, Zombies and Vampire Lesbians: Buzzwords for a Boring Culture


"In a sense, it's almost as if American culture has become completely afraid of being cool and having sex. I mean, who wants to be a nerd? Who wants to be unpopular and culturally bereft? Everyone. I, for one, could care less what really popular book, movie or TV show you like to think you are a "nerd" about even though the mainstream has not only adopted you, but is making you more relevant than you think. Fuck "Heroes," fuck "Harry Potter," and fuck you."


Cats: The Musical Fruit


"I saw a cat on the street this morning and it ran away when I clicked my toungue at it it ran like it was being shot at pumping its little legs and darting between parked cars and dashing past this one kid who had a bag on that said Transfo"


Rejection Letters: A Nonfictional Novel


"Dear Jeff,
Thank you for submitting to onepagestories.com!
I love the voice and beat feel of this piece; but I need some real view of this character from the outside world for it to be a story. What is the "trouble" he speaks of (none here - he seems like a typical young-twenties, carefree American narcissist); and who are the 'motherfuckers that can't say shit to him now?'
What's at stake?
I like all of the details here, beautiful poetic language; it's a great character sketch; but I need more story.
It's authentic, but no truth is revealed, if that makes sense!
Hope to hear from you again.Sincerely, Christy Shick, Editor"


(Note: Seriously? You are an editor, and this is how you present yourself? This email has more grammatical errors than if her cat ran across her keyboard before she hit send.)


Ghostface Killah: A Novel


"When is the new Raekwon coming out, anyway? Blu Eaglez is my jam, and the snippets I've heard are some bad-ass shit, man. GIVE IT TO ME."


Whit Ayers: American


"Republican strategy has taken a backseat to Ayers' wild hairstyles and brash good looks. Though I feel like this will invade authorial intent and vioalte the reader-writer relationship, I have to say-- I'd do him. That's why the political world is turned on its ear-- Ayers is an American first, but a sexpot second-- a close second."


Kombucha: Short Stories

excerpt from short story "Marv Albert"


"omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg"


YES!: The Unofficial Marv Albert Biography

"Marv Albert and me are driving robot cars. We're beating up giant cats. We're smelling the salt of the Earth. We're doleing out our best fresh faces like used car salesmen. We're seeing these women like they're ours. We're running our hands over packs of cigarettes and moistened panties. Nas was right-- Marv nodding his head as the rapper tells us: the world is ours."
and finally...

The Unhealthy Ibex: A Fable
"Duder, where were are our my keys and why when this had happens whar snat PAAAAAAAAUUULLLLLL YELLIN AT M"

So... which one should I submit? HOLLAR.

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