Jul 13, 2008

Psuanos: FAQ


How should I order my psuanos?
Call the restaurant of your choice and be as polite as possible. They are working hard to give you the best possible scenario for you and your psuanos.

Is the waiting period really in upwards to five years for delivery?
Yes. Psuanos take at least three years for the internal cooling process to taper and for them to harden. An unhardened or too-hot psuano could be harmful for the recipient.

What are psuanos?
A psuano is a AmeriMexican by way of Germanic-Indian tribal culture dish involving ingredients from several flying animals to create a hodgepodge of potpourri-like aromas and flavors.

Where the living fuck is my order? I called this in hours ago!
Sir, please exude a bit of patience. We urge you to read the Psuanos: FAQ and call back with any further questions. We apologize for the high-demand, low-yield nature of the sale of psuanos, but we assure you of the quality of the product and your patronage.

How long will psuanos last in my fridge?
Truly, a psuano should be consumed minutes after the outer shell is cracked for maximum freshness and avoidance of disease culture. They should be cracked and consumed within twenty minutes of delivery.

How should I crack the outer shell of the psuano?
Gently slap your non-dominant hand while reciting a memorized selection from one of Ezra Pound's Cantos. Repeat until hand is bloodied or psuano is cracked.

Why are psuanos so hard to make?
Our psuano chefs are professionals and can attest to the fact that the oft imperfect art of the psuano is incredibly difficult due to the high-octane nature of preparation. Creating the protective shell and maintaining the ideal conditions to mature the psuanos is an involved process allowing for little sleep, occasional blindness, broken bones and, in some cases, the lost of a chef's life. Enjoy!

I am getting fucking furious, you have hung up on me twice, uttered racist and homophobic rhetoric at me and I have not gotten my delivery order. What gives?
SIR, CALM THE HELL DOWN BEFORE I RIP OUT YOUR MAGGOT-RIDDEN THROAT IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY.

How can I ever thank you for this delicious psuano? This is the best food I have ever had!!1!!1
Don't worry ma'am or sir. We take the compliment as enough!

How much is a psuano?
Depending upon the weight and width of the psaunos and the time of season, they can run in excess of $300/doz. Orders come only in dozens, maximum three dozen.

OKOK. FUCK THIS. YOU'VE TREATED ME LIKE SHIT, I'VE BEEN WAITING SIX HOURS HERE.
*gunshots

Do you have any psuanos?
Go fish.

4 comments:

TID Staff said...

gime

Business or Leisure? said...

three years

Michael5000 said...

Is it safe to leave my children alone with the psuanos?

Business or Leisure? said...

Yes, but only momentarily. Any lapse in judgment and that child is dead. You hear me? DEAD.