Dear Sir or Madam:
My name is Jeff Laughlin. Your Company has evidently become desperate enough to place a plea for workers on the internet. Loneliness is a curable disease. When hired, I will serve to fill the void Your Company now feels in its hollow hallways, underused break rooms and oversized bathrooms. I will run my fingers sinuously over yr wood paneling; answering the heeded calls of yr dour, scientific appeal for “2-3 years experience.”
Oh, I have experience. When hired, I will service yr needs professionally and reliably. I will layer and texture yr offices with my inbox maneuvering; manipulating yr grant statements with the care of a matriarch even during the high paced business day. I will read yr proofs—lick at yr tender words with my long red pen—and mark them ever so gently until you decide it is enough. Then I will discharge the day’s mail.
Then, in a true admission of my character, I will languidly lay over yr desk and mini kitchens caressing you with conversational hi jinx and inimitable extroversion until the hour of parting comes. Yr office parties will quiver in ecstasy with my arrival. With an enigmatic and realistic approach to Your Company’s emotions, I will tickle yr tender yet turbulent traumas and reminiscences with regard and whimsy—tactfully and artfully undressing the inner-being that lies within the mainframe of Your Company’s soul.
Your Company and I are admittedly rife for change and right for each other. End this, the sorrowful separation of our being, once and for all. Surrender your objectivity and succumb to the urges that ravage yr internal being. When hired, my proficiency to Excel through Word will reign down from the heavens like manna lavished upon the faithful. Your Company can ill afford to waste any more precious time—no matter the precociousness or timeliness of my reply. Oh, to be within Your Company’s demanding businesslike atmosphere—engrossed in the woebegone hierarchy of love!
I am proficient with HTML.
With Best Regards,