Aug 13, 2010

A Little One-Act about Watergate


A Play by Jeff Laughlin

Mortimer T. Handskettle (Mort): a mid-fifties professor of British Literature
Christopher Poonswag (Poon): a mid-forties professor of British Literature/Author
Grace Manderschwitz (Mandy): a smoking hot teen model
Giraffe (Giraffe): A Giraffe

An outdoor seating area at a posh Parisian restaurant, dusk. Three people and a giraffe are all sitting at a small table with varying amounts of beer in engraved glasses. Each is well-dressed, except Mandy who is in a neon-pink bikini.

Giraffe: We simply MUST get me inseminated. I shan’t go on living like this; barren.

Mort: My good friend, now is not the time for such peddling. It’s time, instead, for the celebration of Poon’s new book, archiving the arrival of Sir Walter Raleigh as a literary giant in his own time.

Poon: Indeed! And quite a giant he was!

Mort: Pipe down, Poon. We can’t run off at the mouth every time someone mentions our name, now can we?

Poon: Yes, of course, my apologies.

Giraffe: I’m so lonely. So very, very lonely.

Mort: I presume you mean to exclude present company. I did buy you a libation, you know.

Poon: Hear Hear!

Mort: PIPE DOWN, Poon. Your concerns will be met. Now, about inseminating you, Giraffe. I’ll need some good specimen.

Giraffe: I should tell you. I... I...

Mort: Out with it. What are you blathering about?

Giraffe: I’m frigid. I can’t have children.

The three humans gasp, and Poon’s monocle crashes to the table, shattering.

Mandy: The helicopter is here.

The three people, still in shock, board the helicopter. The giraffe is beheaded by a helicopter blade.

Poon: Well, All’s well that--

Mort: Do shut up, won’t you? You blithering dunderhead.

The helicopter lifts, with all three remaining characters staring into the middle distance.


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